It is almost always good in the beginning. A good idea, a hidden potential to tap, an exciting destination, a fiery romance. Eventually, things always sour.
Never been short on opportunities, yet there were always wasted, for various reasons. Distractions, overethusiasm, underenthusiasm, loss of confidence or interest, overambitiousness, foolishness.
Can't recall the last time I actually made good of something I had. I secretly wonder if I am alone in this regard. Then again, consolation from another person's shortcomings is the last thing I want.
The good beginnings are usually encouraging and enticing. That is why movies with happy endings only show the start of the happy ending.
I suppose the trick to making a difference in one's life is to actually go beyond the rosy start. Hurdle after hurdle. Day after day of struggling to improve.
Today, I have fallen. I've let my teammates down and shown that my mental game is fairly weak. Everyone lost money on the tournament. My knowledge of the game is also wanting.
I am also guilty of boasting prior to this defeat. At the very least, I mislead others to think that I am better than I really was. What a rotten person I am, and facing the truth is a just punishment.
The biggest difficulty I have is trusting myself. Only then can others believe me.
No more distractions. No more sorrys. No more false confidence.
Just a lot of sweat, blood and pain. Just a lot of desire.
I want a new beginning. This time it will be a bad and difficult one. And I will right it, because if I don't this life is a wasted one.
Miracles don't exist, but effort does.
I am ready to fight back.
Sunday, December 04, 2005
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