Finally acknowledged a reality different from my expectations. Held to a tenuous hope threaded with ignorance and denial. Any unraveling is quickly patched by another insufficiency. Of course, I have to keep this in the abstract: not for fear of revealing a dark secret, but to keep the details from exasperating me.
Certain goals in life can be fulfilled with diligence, wit and luck. Yet there will be intangible luxuries which accepts only luck. No matter how hard you try, your desire will only be frustrated.
I embrace an impractical naviety. However this same foolishness warms the moments before I drift to sleep. I ask of the impossible. What I wish will eventually consume me and destroy the little equanimity I have regained.
The mind admonishes the gullibility which the heart cannot forget.
Perhaps there will be a solution.
Perhaps things will turn out well.
Perhaps matters will take care of themselves.
Perhaps things can only go up for hereon.
Perhaps you will receive more understanding.
Perhaps you will live up to the expectations.
Perhaps none of this will happen.
Perhaps the end of the road will be a closed door.
Perhaps my best friend lives in a pint.
Perhaps I will vanish before the emptiness gets to me.
But for now, the threads of self-deception will be stored for another time; another occassion to live in self-denial.
I have no answers to how my life proposes to proceed. Advice from another person's experiences are reference points to a prototypical life I do not want.
But I might have to give up the fight soon. I'll settle for just another grazing animal in the serengeti of life.
2 comments:
Hmmm... *hugs*
And..umm...I really don't think your "best friend lives in a pint" :)
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